Bad Asylum

Online since 1808

Potential Opening of The Sarimist Loyal

Hello, Dear and Forgiving Readers! (And the Twitter Writing Community who wouldn’t be caught dead reading my blog.)

I need your help!

I know my blogging hiatus was unannounced (as usual) but I just wanted to stop in today for a quick blog post.

My book is 99.9999 percent done! Not counting such frivolous details as cover art and copy.

The main hold-up, so far as it concerns the writing, I can’t be happy with the first page. The first lines are of ultimate importance and I just feel like mine don’t hold up compared to the rest of the book.

My wife and I have been around and around about this: She thinks a book should start with action, never with a character’s inner monologue—somehow she likes my writing, even though I’m all about that pontification.

So I’ve been rewriting and rewriting and rewriting ad infinitum, and I wanted to share with you the intro that I jotted up this morning (it’s only one of many) and see what you all thought.

The main feedback I’m looking for: Would you read this book? So here it goes. (Everything in italics is the book.)

The Sarimist Loyal: Possible Opening 2,497

Orym ran—that’s a fair first line. So it’s not, but in two small words it delivers much of what an opening needs. Action, mystery, even names our leading man. All without the slightest mention of weather—we’ll get to the weather.

Those lines which followed? Humorous perhaps, questionable for certain. But they’re written in pen and striking through pages of opening lines which weren’t quite up to standards is quite tiresome. Enough stalling, let these lines stand as immutable and let us get on with the action and mystery, on with our story.

The action being running, the mystery being “what for?” The answer being fear. And where better to begin than with fear? Fear and humor holding hands, pulling each other away to a private place for the illicit purpose of begetting this book.

Two final notes before we dredge up old miseries. First, for those of you here for the body count, you’ll have to slog through the days where nobody dies. Rest assured, those days are few in number. Second, it’s been said that writing my story from third person is “fucking pretentious” so allow me to restate.

I ran.

Alright, that’s it. The line, “I ran,” is where the book started before today (where it still starts, because I’ve made no certain decision as to whether or not what I wrote today will make it in). Just because I like you all so much, here’s a little bit more.

A little bit more…

I ran.

Faced with fear, you can stand against, stand around, or run away.

Fight. Freeze. Flee. So . . . I fled. But you can’t run from without running toward.

From what?

I can’t and couldn’t remember. Most likely from a demon with a serrated smile and shortsword claws.

Conclusion

So… more pontificating… I like it. And I enjoy reading it. But I do feel like my weakness as a writer is in openings. I need time to build to get the reader invested. My failing, I believe, is in my inability to hook.

That’s why I’m wanting feedback, any of which will be appreciated.

(Sorry if you came for the jokes, I’m in business mode today.)

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2 Comments

  1. I’m having a back & forth discussion w/ you on twitter but I thought I’d leave a comment here anyway. Here it is: Hi

    • Edmund J. Asher

      Thank you! Hi as well. Comments are always appreciated. They help the blog’s SEO.

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