So I screwed today up and I’ll never get it back. I sat down to work at 3:39 PM and started strong with a tweet. Followed that up with a quick browse and a pitiful attempt at writing the article I had planned.

So now I’m writing this.

What is this?

A post about procrastination from the world’s leading expert on procrastinating.

Me.

[PICTURE] I’ll upload a picture of me procrastinating later.

If you want to procrastinate like me, then you have to put off whatever important work you are doing and read the answers to these following questions.

How does one so royally screw up a day, to the point where they’ve accomplished none of what they intended by (now) 4:07 PM?

How do you continue this degree of procrastination over the course of days, weeks, years?

Well, first you need to realize that any habit/skill is built a little at a time. You don’t just start out by… [elaborate later].

Then you need to develop for yourself a startling and crippling consciousness of the passing of time. Paired with that you will need an unrealistic degree of confidence. A confidence that always says to you, “I still have plenty of time to dig my way out of this.”

Suppose you suddenly become aware of the fact that you’ve been watching College Humor for an inordinate amount of time. You say to yourself, “Oh, goodness! 2:37 PM already?”

Pay attention! This is the point where a lesser procrastinator would get their ass up and put it to work. But, if you can only remember to implement my tips, not you!

What do you do? You rationalize. “Alright, I have time.” Then you make a plan. “I’ll start work at 3:00.”

This may seem self-defeating. And it is! If you follow through with getting to work once three roles around. But next time you see the clock? 3:04 PM. Oh, no! You’ve missed it!

What do you do?

You can’t start work at 3:04. That would be sacrilegious or something. Tell yourself, “3:15. That’s a nice time to start. A quarter of an hour. Not outrageous like 3:04.”

And then 3:15 passes. Success. Rinse and repeat.

“But Asher, what if I set an alarm?” you ask.

Simple. Snoozing, or altogether turning off, an alarm is one of the simplest procrastination techniques. (If you’ve yet to master this, perhaps you should refer to a beginner level procrastination guide.)

This method is also useful for weeks, months, and for the ultimate masters, years.

Consider the following: Monday has come. You are all set to be productive. But noon rears its beautiful face and you’ve yet to rise from bed.

You know what that means. Monday is moot. And if you can count out Monday, fuck the rest of the week too. You’ll start again next Monday and do it right from the start. Procrastination success!

And as we all know, if you’ve failed to accomplish anything by January 14th of any new year, you are under no obligation to attempt productivity until the following year.

If you’ve read this far, feel free to treat yourself to a break. Bonus points if you never come back.

Our next technique. Make promises. The grander the better. Example: You set a deadline for you novel? Repeatedly tell your fans (or lack thereof) that you are going to meet it.

You may think that this is also counter-intuitive. That by telling the world at large about your work, you will create for yourself a feeling of obligation and responsibility. Again, if this is you, I must insist you return to simpler lessons in the art of procrastination.

And remember, when browsing through random videos and articles, beware anything to do with combating procrastination or building discipline. These can quickly derail your attempts at un-productivity.

Advanced procrastinators may use these “self-help” articles and videos as a form of procrastinating, but beware. The unprepared will quickly crumble. A mere several videos on procrastination are all it took to drive me to write this blog post. And, while it is no masterpiece, it has forced me to stick to my planned schedule, thus reinforcing a positive habit.

My final tip… [Finish this part later.]

Now, having learned you on the finer techniques, I have responsibilities that I have to not attend to. I’ll post for you (remember, make promises) my intended post [Tentatively titled White Supremacist Book Club] at some point next week as well as several other posts in the making.

[Important: Remember to edit this post and add pictures.]

Parting Statement: I have long ago mastered procrastination and would like your support as I broaden my horizons and branch into the areas of productivity and organization. Fear not, I will impart to you all my insights on procrastination… at a later date.

See you next…