Bad Asylum

Online since 1808

Month: January 2019

Quoth the Raven #1

Woah, woah woah. Hold up. I know what you’re thinking.

You: It’s Thursday. You don’t post on Thursday. I can’t… the room is spinning. *frantically takes hit off inhaler* Are you falling off the wagon, Asher? This isn’t consistent!

No, my good sir/madam/sir-madam/etc. I am even more on the wagon than ever before. I AM the wagon. Melded with it from the waist down.

And there are a lot of things that wagon-me can’t do… so with all of my freed up time, I’m adding a day to my blogging schedule.

So welcome to the first installment of Quoth the Raven.

The raven from Edgar Allen Poe's immortal work, The Raven. In this image, the raven is delivering the poem's famous line, "Shut the fuck up." How insightful. A lesson for all of us.
I will not be silenced!

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Welcome to the Shit Show

This was supposed to be a good post. Now forgive me as I fight and claw and fail to reproduce word for word what I wrote in my head before climbing out of bed. If I could just remember how it starts…

(Richard Dreyfuss begins narrating) I was twelve going on thirteen the first time I saw a dead human being. It happened in the summer of 1959…

What the fuck, Richard? This isn’t your movie. Get out. Go!

*Richard Dreyfuss gets out* *Richard Dreyfuss goes*

Sorry, guys. I don’t know how he got in here. This isn’t about the first time I saw a dead body. That’s a story for another time. And it wasn’t 1959. It was in this decade, barely… shit, no it wasn’t. I’m old.

Setting: My high school art class.

We were doing free draw (draw what you want day). I don’t remember what I drew, but I remember my teacher’s reaction.

Teacher: Why don’t you draw something happy?

Me: I don’t feel happy.

A meme pairing Mad World and that one grumpy cat. What do they call that cat again?
I hope you get the song stuck in your head for the rest of the day. Click the pic to listen.

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Book Club: Don’t Talk About It

For your sake, I’ll start with the tl;dr.

I’m starting a book club.

FIght Club Meme: FIrst rule of book club, promote your unoriginal idea with an unoriginal meme.
Because Book/Fight Club has been done to death. If you wanna meet up for a read/rumble, head to the parking lot of any bar or 7-Eleven ever. I’ll be the guy loitering.

First rule about book club is you don’t talk about book club.

Second rule of book club is you don’t talk about book club.

The third rule in book club, when someone says stop, or goes limp, even if they’re just faking it, the book is over.

Only two guys to a book. One book at a time. Read without shirts or shoes (pants are optional). The books go on as long as they have to. Those are the other rules of book club.

If this is your first night to book club, you have to fight… I mean… book… read.

Now ignore the first and second rules because I want you to talk about book club. Because this is about community and reading and books, and not about eventually moving on to bigger things, such as blowing up buildings. I repeat, this is not at all about blowing up buildings. *wink wink*

So, welcome to book club. If you have any recommendations (About books to read, not about where I can stick “it.” Whatever “it” is.) you can leave them down below or tweet them at me, or facebook, or whatever. Same goes for if you wanna talk about any of the books we’re starting out reading.

And what books are we reading?

End of our too long tl;dr. On with the post.

No… ya know what? This is plenty long enough for this post (too lazy; didn’t write). It’s a series now. Catch part two on Wednesday. Unless I decide to write about something else.

I am Joe’s lazy ass.

A picture of Joe's lazy ass.
This was supposed to be Joe’s lazy ass… I don’t know what happened.

Placeholder Title: Something to do with Procrastination

So I screwed today up and I’ll never get it back. I sat down to work at 3:39 PM and started strong with a tweet. Followed that up with a quick browse and a pitiful attempt at writing the article I had planned.

So now I’m writing this.

What is this?

A post about procrastination from the world’s leading expert on procrastinating.


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My First Beta Review

I’ve recently received my first beta review and, Dear Reader, I’d like to share that experience with you. My sincerest desire is that my story of survival will give hope to those of you going through similar tragedy.

So begins the review of the first beta review of my book, The Sarimist Loyal. A beta review review if you will. Or critique critique. Whatever you’d like to call it. A rose by any other name still has its thorns and jagged, rotary mandible. All the better for eating up your dreams like a trash disposal.

And, so there is no confusion going forward, this is not a review of the beta below. (Though if it were, I’d have to say it is an excellent specimen, albeit a bit of an asshole.)

A majestic red beta, silently mocking my book. A book which fell short of the majesty that is this fish.
Majestic but judgmental. You see it. The way it looks at you. Like it’s better than you and it knows it. It’s not wrong but… it still hurts.

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For Real This Time

(Before we start, you can read January’s (and all past issues) of ARTS Magazine by clicking here. I have an article in there every month so you know they are only accepting the highest of quality! Now, onward!)

My hiatus is over, for real this time. I know, Dear Reader, I’m a flake. But, here and now, I shout my commitment to the void.

I will make this blog a success!

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