Dear Readers,

I’m gonna give this a go. Lists of reasons for things. I like lists.

I’ll start by rolling a twenty-sided die, because I’m a nerd. Then I’ll write up that many reasons for the chosen topic.

Low numbered rolls will be fewer reasons, but with more detail. Naturally, something special needs to be done for a nat 20. We’ll worry about that when it happens.

This isn’t a new thing for me, I hate to admit, but I’ve used dice rolls to make decisions before (some pretty important decisions, but we can save that for another day), just because it makes life easier (in theory). I’m like Harvey Dent with dice.

So, let’s get started on *rolls die*…

Ten Reasons Why Writing with Children Is Hard

Clarification will be found below.

  1. Dictation

    Dictating your writing becomes impossible. For example, “…and the car honked its own BOY, get off that bookshelf!” Even when they are behaving well, there are some things I just can’t dictate. I suppose subbing “sex” with “special hugs” and downgrading stabbing or other violence into a game of tag would be acceptable. Funny if it made it through editing.

  2. Story Time

    The kids ask you to read them your story and you just finished murdering off a character or writing a sex scene. My wife took the difficult challenge of telling them the story without the good parts.

  3. Public Writing

    Writing peacefully in a café, or any nice place with free wifi, becomes trying to write in any place with free wifi and a playground. Our town’s only playground is in a Burger King and WhopperWIFI doesn’t work. Just forget about trying to write at an outdoor playground.

  4. Kids Reading Your Stuff

    Kids reading over your shoulder will be something I have to deal with once they learn how to read. For now, they watch and make up their own stories. It can be a real confidence killer when their stories are better than what I’m writing.

  5. Kids Say the Darnedest Things

    Having my writing derailed by the strangest comments is common. “I’m batman, and I can’t die because I have a suit,” in his best gravelly batman voice. At least it was useful information to keep in mind. I also have a suit.

  6. Stinky Fingers

    Sometimes you have an idea on your mind and shit on your hands. Sometimes the idea is so good, you have to smear your keyboard to make sure you get the idea down intact. The girl is difficult and she knows it. The boy, I’m proud of him. He can wipe his own ass.

  7. Interrupting Thoughts

    Sometimes they interrupt when the voices in my head are trying to relay something important. Sometimes the voices in my head don’t like that.

  8. Screaming

    You have to learn what types of screaming you can safely filter out. Here’s a sublist with *rolls* ten (again?) varieties of scream.

    1. “My toy is running toward battle” screaming
    2. “Sibling took my toy but I’m over it in two seconds” screaming
    3. “I think I’m dying because I don’t know where I left something” screaming
    4. “Sibling is murdering me” screaming
    5. “Screaming is fun” screaming
    6. “How dare you do something that isn’t paying attention to me” screaming
    7. “Just randomly testing out the lungs” screaming
    8. “Sibling did something (that screamer also just finished doing) that we’ve been told not to do” screaming
    9. “You thought I was napping, that was a lie” screaming
    10. “I don’t care that I’m fluent in English, I don’t want to use the word for that thing I want” screaming

    Pretty much the only truly urgent screaming is the “Sibling is murdering me” variety. You must be studious. The nuance is subtle.

  9. Sleeping

    It use to be a thing. Now? Their batteries would make the Energizer Bunny envious and I’m constantly on 3% because I get my best writing done in the middle of the night.

  10. No Naked Writing

    If you read my stuff, you are probably noticing a trend. I only get to write naked at night. I suppose this isn’t so big a deal, but losing the clothes frees my mind. I’m just more comfortable. Don’t judge me. Maybe I’m beating this naked horse to death, but it really does help me write. (#writenaked #nakediswrite)

That’s It… You’re Still Here?

I hope you enjoyed it. If you did, how about you join my mailing list, follow/like me on facebook and pinterest, any other place you can find me,  and stalk me on my blog. It would be very much appreciated. If you didn’t enjoy it… do it anyways, I could use the publicity.

If you have an idea for a D20 list you would like to see, tell me in the comments below. I would love to be talking to someone other than myself for a change.

Peace. *mic drop* (Alright, that one was lame. Won’t do that one again. Promise.)